Fat
New Study Links Obesity To Eating
Wednesday 24 June 2009
Dr Klaus Martin of the University of Berlin outlined his radical new theory regarding obesity today, stating in this week’s New Scientist that the condition is most likely a direct result of an over-consumption of fat, sugar and protein rather than being an inherent physical characteristic.
Most doctors are divided on the subject of what actually causes the condition, with some insisting it is a ‘glandular problem’, or an ‘inherited genetic flaw’, while your average fatty usually insists that they are the victim of a made-up condition they refer to as ‘big bone syndrome’. Dr Martin’s new theory, however, does away with such pathetic nonsense and states that it is possible for anyone to become obese, simply from “stuffing yourself with lard.”
“Our study found that obesity was directly correlated with gluttony,” said Dr Martin, “with most sufferers demonstrating a strikingly low capacity for self-restraint. In my view, merely eating copious quantities of fries can spark this disease.”
One obvious implication of the new study is that obesity could potentially be cured by a reduction in eating. Until now the only treatment for overweight people was drastic stomach surgery using industrial staples and liposuction, but Dr Martin says a “nice green salad” could provide an alternative therapy in the future.
One chronic sufferer we found sobbing outside on his mobility scooter stated his joy that one day this cure could be made available to him: “I want to eat salad!”, he cried through a mouthful of fried chicken, before stepping on the gas of his ‘fat-mobile’ and sideswiping an elderly lady.
Dr Martin’s research is still to be verified by the medical community, however, with prominent “Fat Studies” professor James MacDonald, a noted sufferer of the disease, among the doubters.
“Many instant ‘cures’ for fat have been advocated in the past ten years” stated Professor McDonald, “but since none have proved fruitful it seems likely that eating is in no way connected to a person’s weight, and I should know, as I have big bones myself.”
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