Spot the Dirtbag
Lieutenant Harris Was Right
Sunday 3 July 2011
Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris, an instructor from the American police academy at the centre of a recent inquest, has told reporters that he warned the precinct’s Commissioner, Henry Hurst, of the potential for disaster “years ago”, before the tragic death at the weekend of a small child, who died due to the negligent behaviour of police officer Carey Mahoney, a man Lt Harris repeatedly referred to as a “dirtbag”.
“Mahoney underwent very little training before being trusted to protect and serve the public”, said Harris. “He spent the majority of basic training gluing my hands to my head about eight fucking times a day, and sexually harassing several female cadets who later filed charges that were ignored. I even dismissed him for gross incompetency before he bribed his way back onto the force and began supplying the academy’s Commandant, Eric Lassard, with a succession of aged prostitutes. The scumbag even paid to have me raped by men at a local gay club! Can you fucking believe that? How this man was put in charge of looking after a child is beyond me.”
Speculation is rife within the precinct as to whether Mahoney will be charged with first degree murder, owing to the severity of the case, which we can now report in some detail after we were passed sensitive information by an unnamed man who sounded a lot like Lt. Harris in an underground car park late last night.
It seems that the child in question, seven year old Lucy Jenkinson, suffocated to death when Officer Mahoney glued her hands to her face for no apparent reason. Witnesses have also claimed that Mahoney smiled and winked at them as the child lay gasping on the floor for air, as if to say; ‘I am the prankmaster. I will kill all the children’.
Neither the Police Academy, nor any of Mahoney’s cop buddies were willing to go on the record with a statement, but one man did mimic the sound of a helicopter when asked to comment.
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