Flipped his lid

Cliff Richard Attempts To Sabotage Wimbledon Roof

Monday 29 June 2009

A terrified Sue Barker had to be escorted by police from the BBC’s studio at Wimbledon today, after a frantic and drooling Sir Cliff Richard tried to gain access to the room she was working in through the air vents.

A shaking and tearful Barker, who once dated the star, said she was first alerted to the singer’s presence when she heard a low humming coming from the walls, and when after several minutes of listening intently to the sound it became clear that it was the tune to Richard’s hit Summer Holiday, she stood on her desk and peered into a darkened vent in an attempt to make out what on earth was making the noise.

One eye-witness stated that Richard’s face “must have been less than half a foot away” from the television presenter when she saw a flash of light reflect off those famous tinted glasses, and flinched in horror as the ‘Bachelor Boy’ emitted an ear-piercing screeching sound.

It was at this point that Sir Cliff is said to have attempted to reach down and pull the broadcaster into the studio walls, while quick thinking sound engineers were only able to release his tightening grip on her hair by poking him with a boom mic as he began screaming the lyrics to Living Doll in a bizarre falsetto voice, before scuttling away back into the studio’s ventilation system.

Police have since told reporters that they suspect Sir Cliff was planning to use Barker as leverage in his bid to have the new centre court roof taken away, as before this incident he had last been seen climbing up into the mechanism of the new multi-million pound roof, bare-chested and with a selection of spanners hanging on a fat chain around his neck, apparently furious at the prospect of the tournament going past without him having his moment in the spotlight when the inevitable rain falls.

A spokesman for the tournament said today that, “Nobody attending the Championships should approach him, as he is clearly frightened and could potentially lash out again at any time. We have given tranquiliser darts to members of staff in case any of them come into contact with him, but at this point he is more of a danger to himself if anything, as if he’s still up there when we close the roof he may become trapped in the gears.”

Nicholas Davies-Marshall

Bookmark with: