Without a clue
Blatter's Dream to Hold 2018 World Cup Underwater
Friday 16 July 2010
Current FIFA president Sepp Blatter has given a strong indication that he would prefer an underwater World Cup in the 2018 tournament, a move that could see England, the current favourites to host the event, cast aside in favour of a joint Pacific/Indian ocean bid.
“Football is for everyone”, said Mr Blatter, “even water dwelling creatures like seahorses, and fish. Oh and sharks. And those ones with the horn that look like unicorns. Ha-ha, I love those. They are just so random. And anyway, in some ways, aren’t we all sea creatures?”
Indeed, plans are already well underway to create this ridiculous spectacle, with fifteen thousand tons of earth being poured into the ocean by squads of young African and Asian children, or ‘slaves’ as Mr Blatter has been jokingly referring to them, as he looks down from his blimp in the sky. “Look at that one”, he said to one reporter. “He reminds me of me when I was a shiny young African or Asian boy, running around and getting all wet and slippery. Oh fuck yeah. Look how dirty they’ve become down there. That’s it children! Fill daddy’s ocean!”
It was then that, whilst staring off into the distance, the president of FIFA was to share a part of his own troubled childhood with all of the assembled journalists, despite the fact that it made everyone present feel very uncomfortable for the remaining four hours we were to spend up in his ridiculous ‘air cow’. Who in god's name considers a blimp to be a practical method of travel anyway?! But I digress, for what he would go on to say shocked us all:
“...men arrived with their nets and their swords. I can never forget the night they killed my mother. I still see her every time I close my eyes at night. She is saying, ‘don’t be afraid little Blatter, this is only a dream’. But it wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a dream!!”
As it turned out it was in fact a dream, and his mother was there to meet us as we landed, keen to point out that she had been waiting for us on the hill-top for nearly 8 minutes.
“I don’t know why you’re always wasting your time up in that thing” she said as the 73 year old president of FIFA climbed down from his giant airship. “You’re not going to meet any girls up there you know. Are your friends staying for dinner?” But these observations only seemed to anger her son, who proceeded to storm off. “I’m a man, mother!” shouted Mr Blatter. “I make my own decisions about football now! Your opinion on goal-line technology is flawed. Flawed!”
And so it was that a man who has long had a reputation for being unpredictable; like that time he demanded he be given the part of Skimbleshanks the railway cat in a touring production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical Cats, while also insisting that a clearly terrified Michel Platini play saucy redhead female cat Bombalurina, Mr Blatter left his army of lithe young boys to finish building what was quite literally until last week, only a dream.
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