'The Super Carragher' remains a pipe dream

Benitez Set To Field Team Of Carraghers

Tuesday 19 January 2010

Rafa Benitez called a press conference this morning to announce that the Liverpool line up for Wednesday’s match against Tottenham will feature a team of Carraghers, sparking suggestions that the Spaniard is beginning to crack under the pressure, and that the club should replace him with someone, anyone.

“I got the idea listening to the supporters”, said Benitez, who walked into the media room at Anfield smoking a cigar and laughing to himself. “What we need is a team of Carraghers. It’s so simple I don’t know why I never thought of it before. The supporters have been calling for it for years.”

When asked how he intended to put out a whole team with only one player in the squad Benitez roared with laughter, and insisted that he was not crazy enough to expect one man to play an entire match on his own. “No, the Super Carragher is made up of only six Jamie Carraghers”, replied Benitez, prompting several journalists to look at each other in confusion, while the Spaniard simply rocked back on his chair and started blowing smoke rings.

“We do however think we will be able to increase that number over the next few weeks until we truly have a team of them, and while I can see that a lot of you are understandably sceptical as to whether this is at all possible, considering that the long dreamed about football monster has never been tested successfully, I am confident that with Jamie we have the perfect candidate to make it happen. So, to answer your previous question, we will play a 1-3-2 system, with the Super Carragher playing at the back and flattening all those who dare to cross its path. Are there any more questions? No? Ok then. See you all on Wednesday.”

And with that, a happy but deluded Rafael Benitez left the oddest press conference I have ever attended, clearly oblivious to the fact that his tactics have now spiralled out of control; a fact that was later confirmed when club captain Steven Gerrard admitted to a national newspaper that the only instructions he now receives are for him to “pass the ball 40 yards”.

“It’s sad but I think the manager’s lost it”, said Gerrard. “He’s been coaching Jamie all week on how to play as a giant football monster, and Jamie’s just had enough now. To be honest, it would be nice to have a boss who is safe around sharp metal objects again. Nobody can realistically expect us to turn things around as long as we continue to eat our meals with plastic cutlery. Nobody.”

The Daily Liar

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