Ashley and Cheryl on the set of their latest marriage
Ashley Cole: "Judge me by my Actions"
Monday 4 July 2011
Ashley Cole, the ex-husband of media princess, Cheryl Cole, stated today that he “wished people would judge [him] on his actions”, and not “on a life they do not know”, following rumours that Cheryl's self-esteem may finally be low enough for a reconciliation/hostile takeover.
“Forget about the time I was fined £100,000 for talking to Chelsea while still under contract at Arsenal, and all the times I cheated on Cheryl”, said Cole in a statement released to the media. “None of that counts and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. What I’d like is for people to stop bringing up the past when they talk to Cheryl about me. It makes water come from her eyes.”
Cole also pleaded for people not to give Cheryl a hard time about their reconciliation, as it “makes her think too much.”
“Forget about the time when I shot a youth experience student with an air rifle. That’s in the past. It’s not even loaded when I brandish it at people anymore. What I want people to understand is that me and Cheryl have something that’s as special as any relationship between a footballer and his fuck-pig can be.”
Cole’s statement goes on to describe his ideas for a new restaurant which he is planning to open with rapper, Jay-Z, that he hopes will include “peep holes in all of the women’s toilets”, and “a place for men to wash away the stench of adultery."
"The restaurant is actually going to be called, ‘Dick Sink’. That’s in the contract I signed and it’s non-negotiable. Any other name and I walk away.”
Cheryl was unavailable for comment, although one of her representatives did admit that the couple's reconciliation "will not last.”
“Cheryl knows that”, said the insider. “She just wants to have a child with Ashley so she can fill that loveless void in her life. If you ask me, that's as good a reason as any to start a family with a complete cunt."
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