Brown and his trusted adviser, 'Thatcher' the owl.

Gordon Brown Claims Victory In Afghanistan Is Close-ish

Sunday 12 July 2009

Gordon Brown praised the brave work of all the British soldiers currently serving in Afghanistan today, claiming that the high number of recent deaths in the country “just means it’s working”.

“This country will not rest until the threat of terrorism to these shores has been eradicated”, said the Prime Minister. “I don’t care how many men have to die.”

When asked by a reporter when the British troops would be receiving armoured vehicles equipped to deal with the improvised explosive devices being used by the Taliban Mr Brown became visibly flustered. He then consulted with his owl before launching into a speech about the London Olympics, explaining that it will probably cripple the British economy.

One journalist did, however, manage to elicit a response from Mr Brown on the issue of British troops in the Middle East when he asked him how he would better David Cameron’s ‘nuke ‘em’ strategy, to which the Prime Minister replied:

“Listen, this whole subject is a very tricky one to get right. It’s not as if we can just pull our troops out of Iraq and then send them into Afghanistan to help our troops over there. America would never forgive me. Neither can I guarantee that checks on visitors coming into the UK from abroad will be anything more than a warm greeting and the offer of a cup of tea, so our troops are just going to have to make do with the inadequate equipment they’ve been given and pray to a God who may or may not exist that right will out.”

One of Mr Brown’s most senior army commanders later compared the Prime Minister to Field Marshall Sir Douglas Haig, and said that his influence has been a major contributing factor to troop tactics in the Middle East, which currently comprise of shouting, “Charge!”, before running in large tight-knit groups out into the open towards unspecified targets, while taking heavy casualties and then realising that you’ve lost so many men during the course of the offensive that you no longer have enough left to hold the position you have managed to capture. At this point it has become customary to shout, “Retreat!”, before returning back to where you started from, in an endless pursuit of tabloid headlines.

The Daily Liar

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