You dirty rat!

Downing Street to Employ Pussy on Permanent Basis

Sunday 23 October 2011

David Cameron’s personal spokesman confirmed today that the Prime Minister is to appoint a permanent ‘chief mouser to the cabinet office’, in a move that has been “tailored to appeal to voters who like pussies”.

“He’s become increasingly annoyed with a large rat that has been seen on the opposition benches in recent months”, added Patrick McLoughlin, the clearly drunk Tory Chief Whip, who stuck his head around the door to the press room in order to declare this “the finest pussy based joke since either Siegried or Roy were very nearly mauled to death by one of their tigers on stage in Las Vegas. Hahahaha, do you see what I did there? Why aren’t you laughing? Why aren’t they laughing?”

Mr Cameron’s spokesman, who was clearly uncomfortable at the prospect of having to read out a litany of crudely subversive pussy jokes written by the Prime Minister, on what looked suspiciously like a Little Chef napkin, then pointed out to Mr McLoughlin that he had not yet gotten to the punchline, and had thus ruined the atmosphere in the room by having built up the expectations of the various assembled journalists, who all folded their arms in unison and adopted expressions that seemed to say, ‘Oh, this had better be good.’

The visibly shaking Tory spokesman then concluded his boss’s statement, which went on to say that the Prime Minister had, after some thought, decided to employ a cat on a permanent contract for the purposes of ‘mousing’, and that this ‘pussy’ would be called, ‘Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg’.

Clearing his throat, and continuing to look as if he would rather be anywhere else, the Conservative spokesperson then stated that “Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg’s job will basically be to just sit around all day doing nothing, except making sure that the rat does not get into Downing Street.”

“The rat is Ed Miliband”, shouted Patrick McLoughlin from the back of the room, where he stood swaying like the high functioning alcoholic he is.

“For fuck’s sake Pat! I’m pretty sure they get the subtext. Jesus. Anyway, I am sure”, continued the spokesman, “that Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg will enjoy getting his belly tickled by Mr Cameron, and being stroked on his lap like the harmless little pussy he is.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must now go and shower for several hours and hope that the stank from David’s stand-up material does not cling on for dear life like so many tragic Liberal Democrat MP’s.”

“Oh God, there’s a P.S. on the back. It says, ‘If the people want a more popular pussy, I can think of none better than the one owned by the right honourable, Mrs Alan Johnson.' Someone shoot me.”

The Daily Liar

Bookmark with: