Horoscopes

Aries

Turn out the lights and say 'Candyman' into the mirror five times to see what happens.

You will be horribly mutilated by a 'Candyman'.

Taurus

What does your heart tell you?

Exactly, use your brain

Gemini

You've got to hide your love away.

She loves you.

...Magical Mystery Tour?

Cancer

Someone will perform a random act of kindness that will benefit you.

Your ass will get sore from sitting on the camel.

Leo

A wise man knows that he knows nothing.

Now you know something.

Virgo

There's magic in the air.

A wizard must have farted.

Libra

Listen to your subconscious, unless your subconscious is a twat, in which case don't.

Scorpio

You will find some money.

You will be mugged for some money.

Times are tough.

Sagittarius

Try not to listen to gossip.

Brenda is pregnant, again!

Capricorn

Don't listen to them, you look nothing like a transvestite.

Aquarius

Listen to your mother.

You will wear a sweater outside for the next few days.

Pisces

You will find inner peace.

You will be dead within the week.