Horoscopes

Aries

You will bring Jesus into people's lives.

At least he told you he was Jesus.

Taurus

You will discover a secret compartment.

Gemini

The Mr Men books are part of a conspiracy to keep us all enslaved!

Fuck you, Mr Happy!

Cancer

You will be mistakenly identified by a national newspaper as the person at the centre of a super injunction scandal.

They will say you slept with Giggs.

Leo

The entire universe is just data stored on the event horizon of a massive black hole.

Oh, buy milk.

Virgo

Virgo! How the devil are you?

It's so good to see you!

You will be dead in a matter of hours.

Libra

You will weigh things evenly on a set of scales and remember the good times.

Scorpio

Listen up Scorpio, He-Man needs help. Skeletor has him trapped in Castle Greyskull, and Battlecat is dead. Can you help?

Sagittarius

You will 'see' much more than you can see, if you get my meaning?

Think on't.

Capricorn

Try not to think about it.

Did you think about it?

I warned you.

Aquarius

You will be high-jacked by Somali Pirates who are on holiday in Kent.

Pisces

Put your ear to the ground and listen.

What do you hear?

Exactly.