The pied piper of child abuse
Joe Jackson's Got To Be Starting Something
Wednesday 15 July 2009
Legendary band manager, music promoter, and offspring abuser, Joseph 'Joe' Jackson, was said to have been found sitting atop the ‘Y’ in the world famous ‘Hollywood’ sign late last night, whilst blowing into what upon closer inspection turned out to be the hollowed out pelvic bone of his late son Michael.
Although it appeared to the common ear that no sound was coming from the bone, local rumour suggests that it emits a sound which only emotionally malnourished recording artists and aspiring pop victims under the age of thirteen can hear, and it is assumed he is summoning a new wave of cash cows to his lair deep in the Hollywood hills.
Local shop keeper Ralph 'Piggy' Jacks has said that since the calls began shortly after the 'King of Pop's' death he has seen more and more clearly unstable child 'artists' come through the town on their way up to the notorious hideout, stopping only to pivot, pout and cry.
It has been suggested that he is calling these damaged children to his lair as a backup in case the rest of the Jackson family stand in the way of his hastily arranged worldwide tour, in which he plans to demonstrate his remarkable ability to milk even the smallest of teats. It is also thought that said teats are currently being warmed up by a strict diet of dance, singing and spanking, "because daddy would want you to make Grandpa Joe proud."
Debbie Rowe's lawyer confirmed this morning that she is considering legal action against Mr Jackson over the rights to the magical bone and/or the teats, as well as “whatever else she can get.” She apparently feels she has a watertight case for custody despite never before showing any kind of interest in the bone’s wellbeing. Reverend Al Sharpton was, for once, not available for comment on the matter, but it is understood that he either approves, disapproves, or doesn’t give a shit, although not necessarily in that order, and certainly not in under 2000 words.
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