My cat's an asshole

I’ve had my cat for a few years now, but I feel like he’s never really warmed to me and is only affectionate when he wants food. I stroke him whenever he rubs up against my leg, but afterwards he can’t wait to leave and treats me with such contempt. What should I do?

I’m going to give you two options now, and I don’t want you to think I’m in any way being cruel, but sometimes a show of strength is the only thing these animals respect.

You could either get a new cat and hope that he treats you with the respect you deserve, or drown the one you have in the bath. It’s up to you.

Is my neighbour a terrorist?

I think my neighbour may be a terrorist. I hear him leaving his house very early every morning, and he doesn’t return home till late in the evening. I know he owns a backpack, as I’ve seen his kid wearing it, plus he’s asian.

I’ve tried phoning the police but they just say I’m being paranoid and more than a little racist, but I know he’s plotting something. I know him and his family go to that mosque to meet with other terrorists, and I’m really afraid that they may be planning something really big. Like 9/11 big. Nobody knows what they’re saying when they all start praying in Muslim, and I think they are all communicating with each other about bombs! What should I do?

It’s highly likely that your neighbour is simply a hard working family man, who is also a peaceful and devoted member of the Muslim community, but you certainly can’t be too careful these days.

I suggest breaking into his house and ransacking it for evidence, ala Tom Hanks in The Burbs. Presumably if he is a terrorist you should find chemicals, or guns, or maybe some sort of ethnic parifinalia that you don’t know what it is but it looks suspiciously like it might be being used to make a bomb. Whatever happens, don’t over-react if you find anything, and make sure you enlist the help of your fat neighbour and the ex-army nut who lives down the street before you break in.

Good luck soldier.

My ex wants me to stop spying on her from a tree

I broke up with my girlfriend several weeks ago but still care deeply for her. I just can’t seem to let go, and now she says she will call the police if I don’t stop spying on her from the tree outside her home.

It’s not even like it’s a hard tree to climb. I’m in no danger whatsoever, as I’ve climbed trees before and find that it comes quite naturally. I’m also very careful not to break any of the branches off, and feel that I totally respect this tree in every way a person could. So my question to you is, what’s my ex’s problem? I’m not even sure it’s technically on her property anyway!

It’s hard to say what this girl’s problem is, except it’s not and it’s you.

Maybe find another tree to climb that doesn’t give you a vantage point from which to spy on her while she’s getting undressed or whatever, or alternatively you could just go and climb out onto the ledge of a tall building and hurl yourself off. Honestly, I don’t give a shit. Twat.