No Deal!

I am the host of a box-based gameshow shown during the afternoon on Channel 4, I won't say which one, and I just thought I'd write and ask whether you know how to make bad dreams go away? I keep having a recurring one where I'm not on telly anymore.

You need help, Noel.

Ode on a Grecian Bum

Dear Auntie Agony,

I am the major european holiday destination and birthplace of democracy, the country of Greece. Hi. I am writing to you because I am close to defaulting on massive loans from other European countries and am in need of money. I need your help.

Could you spare any cash right now? No, don't stop reading. It would only be a loan. Just a few million pounds would really help me buy shit and whatever. Try not to think too hard about handing the money over, just do it and forget about it. Just to clarify; it would be much easier for all concerned if you just gave me money now.

Dear Greece,

This is not the first time you've asked me for money. I gave you several pounds just last year, but I expect you've gone and spent it. You are letting all of Europe down. What are you even playing at, the country of Greece? For shame.

A few less big, fat weddings, and way more austerity measures might be a good idea right about now, you pathetic bum. Ancient Greece would be embarassed to be seen with you! It's enough to make Plato cry.

My Brother is actually my Dad, who is really my Sister's Husband, who is actually my Mother, who I love

Shut up.